There is this invisible load on many wives to manage the household (there are hundreds of balls in the air at any given time) and because it’s invisible it’s often overlooked.
When partners don’t consider that load, or when they add to it - the wives a re forced to take on more responsibility, leaving her feel alone in the adulting. This isn’t only not fair on her or the relationship, but it also robs the joy you two could be having.
Over the last decade of private practice I have heard my fair share of wives complaining that they have another kid at home, frustrated at the burden being so heavy and how they wish they had a partner not another person to look after and think for.
[Please note this is not all men, and there are many men doing their bit. If thats you, feel free to skip this blog. And if you're feeling like you're not a priority to your wife, read this blog here)].
For many wives, it feels like they’re managing the household and family responsibilities alone, while their husbands either “goes with the flow”, escapes more frequently (through gaming, gymming, golfing, etc), or is reactive instead of initiating things.
Many women feel like their husbands are another kid cause they feel responsible for them instead of someone they can rely on.
The privilege of being able to not have to 'worry' about the home, is available to many working men because they trust their partner 'has it all'. As traditionally was taught. But many women are also working now, and the delegation of the invisible load of running a home, has not caught up to the new balance.
The need to remind, delegate, or manage tasks leaves wives frustrated and emotionally drained. Many times, for example, the partner would step up and say he will do dinner, but then phone 3 times to ask what he should make, or get, and where things are. Leaving her with more to do.
Or the husband will not take initiative based on what the family needs, but more about what mood he is in, or not. For example going to gym when the kids have appointments, or dinner needs to be done etc. Without considering the timing on her and the family impact. Couples get stuck in this cycle where he waits to be told what to do, resents her for it, and begrudgingly takes action (or rebels). And she begrudgingly monitors him, because she's now responsible for his behavior and how he shows up too. And this cycle feeds on itself to where she feels she can't expect anything from him unless she tells him, and he feels on trial all the time and like nothing is good enough. Not only does this affect the communication and connection out the bedroom, but the "mothering-dynamic" they unknowingly created then leads to implication in the bedroom too.
"You'd think that the wives love being in the driver's seat, but just the opposite is true: most of them hate it. Most women are craving for their man to be in his own power, as long as he is inclusive, collaborative, and not domineering." CG Youngblood.
When you feel like you have another kid at home in your husband: Why This Happens
Historically, societal expectations placed men in the role of provider and women in the role of caretaker. While these roles have evolved, many of the underlying expectations remain.
Because women have the most to gain from these changes (long overdue changes), they have adapted quickly to the new way a relationship could be. But many men are still stuck in traditional views and unconscious expectations. This could be a whole talk on its own, but the point is, women were not treated as equals, and are allowed to expect that they could be. And men have a big leap to learn new normals, and show up in a conscious leadership / partnership that goes beyond the traditional ways.
Many men think 'helping' is more than their dads did, and so must be enough. But if you have a business partner, there is usually a lot of consideration into the decisions you make and how your decisions, expectations, and contributions affect this partner. In a marriage, and family, because of the subconscious old modeling, wives are often just expected to know more, carry more, and do more for the emotional welfare of the family. And husbands consider their partners less. This needs to change.
Many men say "women are better at it" but then we can look at joint custody situations, where dads had to step up and can actually do an amazing job of it.
If the husband tends to be too passive at home, or more focused on his work and needs, it is also hard for her to trust his lead and micromanaging takes over. So if the wife asks him to watch the kids, and she goes and rests or spends time with a friend or whatever, and she gets back and the house is a state, the kids are unsupervised, and he's busy gaming with buddies - there's a great chance she won't trust him to be able to help her, leading her into not only resentment but micromanaging.
Now don't get me wrong, if the house is a mess cause they where all having a blast and he is totally up for cleaning it up, that's not the issue. Its the additional work on her that often lands up the case - where she now not only has hyperactive sugared up kids out of their routine to navigate, but a mess to clean up too. Making the time off irrelevant and almost not even worth it.
Another issue that leads to this feeling of having a kid in the house, is when he is reactionary and not proactive, considering the needs of the kids or his family. Where he gets reactive, instead of proactive. Nothing illustrates this better than when he's yelling at his son for yelling at him.
Not seeing that he hasn't taught his son what to do with his emotions, as he doens't have a handle on his emotions either.
Women have adapted and grown emotionally in relationships, taking on both caregiving and emotional labor, and working, but some men haven’t caught up. This leaves women managing everything from school schedules to household chores, while their partners contribute less in terms of emotional maturity and proactive responsibility.
Additionally, some men may react defensively or emotionally when confronted with challenges at home. Instead of stepping in as a leader and equal partner, they may fall into reactionary patterns—avoiding conflict, withdrawing, or having “grown-up tantrums” when things aren’t going smoothly.
Times are tricky as men need to navigate masculinity in these new dynamics at home, especially if they feel 'gender' wrong (eg. that a women cleans not men). There isn't a rule book, and you are both figuring it out. As long as you choose to remember you're both in this together and want what's best for the family.
What Wives Need: Partnership, Responsibility, and Prioritizing
Wives don’t want to feel like they’re managing everything alone. Here’s what many wives crave from their husbands to shift the dynamic from parenting to partnership:
Full Partnership: Wives want their husbands to step up as equal partners, not just helpers. This means not just doing tasks but taking full responsibility for them—planning, executing, and following through without needing to be prompted or reminded.
Emotional Maturity: Rather than reacting emotionally when things go wrong, wives need their husbands to approach challenges with calm and leadership. Emotional regulation and maturity are key to being a supportive partner. She doesn't need poetry, just genuine care and consideration.
Prioritizing the Relationship and Family: Wives want their husbands to take an active role in managing the family’s well-being, both practically and emotionally. This means paying attention to the needs of the home and children without being asked and prioritizing these responsibilities over other distractions.
Wives need to feel that their partner is not just going with the flow but truly engaged in the running of their household and family, working with them, not as a passive observer.
What Men Need Wives to Understand: Micromanaging, Emasculating, and Enabling
While many men may fall short in terms of responsibility and emotional leadership, wives may also unknowingly contribute to this dynamic. Here are some common ways wives may unintentionally make the situation worse:
Micromanaging: Many wives, out of frustration, fall into the trap of micromanaging every detail. While it’s understandable when things have been left undone or ignored, micromanaging can make husbands feel like they’re being treated as incompetent, which can lead to them shutting down or disengaging even more. But men need to know if they broke their trust by doing as in above example, and not showing competence, it will take time to build trust again and it's an endevour super important to commit to.
Emasculating: When wives take over everything and criticize their husbands’ contributions, even if justified, it can make men feel emasculated. This feeling of inadequacy can prevent husbands from stepping into their role as a leader in the home. Husbands may need room to make mistakes and learn to handle tasks in their own way, without feeling undermined. Let them pick the parking spot - even if it isn't close to the door. Find things you can let go of.
Enabling the Behavior: Sometimes, in an attempt to avoid conflict or because it feels faster, wives take on more than they should. By doing this, they unconsciously enable their husbands to stay passive, reinforcing the very dynamic they’re frustrated with. When wives stop taking over and allow their husbands to step up, it encourages growth and balance in the relationship.
Communication is key to breaking the resentment and cycle. If you struggle to delegate the tasks and support each other, be sure to seek the help of a therapist or coach.
In my expereince many couples land up feeling resentful, but don't hate their partners. its the feeling of aloneness and not cared for (that she feels from him), and feeling they can't do anything right and aren't appreciated (that he feels) that leads to building walls of protection and that leads to the disconnection.
It's important to look at what this dynamic is costing you, to help give you the courage or energy to make changes.
Resentment builds when these patterns continue unchecked, but it’s rarely because partners hate each other. More often, it’s because she feels unsupported and alone, while he feels like he can’t do anything right. This leads to emotional walls that block connection.
For stay-at-home wives, this applies too. Yes, you may have more at-home responsibilities, but you still deserve off-time. Just like he clocks out, you need to find balance and downtime too.
How to Break the Cycle
For Wives:
Encourage your partner to take ownership without micromanaging.
Have honest conversations about your needs and express where you feel unsupported.
Let go of control in non-critical areas. Trust he can do it, even if it takes some adjustment.
For Husbands:
Take full responsibility for tasks and anticipate what needs to be done. Don’t wait to be asked.
Work on emotional maturity and regulation. Approach challenges with calm leadership, not defensiveness.
Show initiative—be proactive in parenting, planning, and your emotional availability.
Conclusion: A Balanced Partnership
The feeling of having another kid at home can be exhausting, but with effort and understanding, the dynamic can change. By addressing both sides—what wives need (responsibility, maturity, and prioritization) and what husbands need (freedom from micromanaging, space to step up, and trust)—you can shift from imbalance to true partnership.
Some men are taking more initiative, and tweaks are needed (be specific ladies), and some men don't see the need to at all. You can't make someone do anything. A boundary is not a request, it's something you need or don't need. If you two are happy with how things are delegated, great. But if not, somethings gotta give.
I'm all for marriages, but a marriage is a joint commitment, when only one is committed to the others' happiness, it's not a relationship anymore. It can be saved, but not because the committed one does more, gives up more, or abandons themself more.
Disclaimer: It’s important to acknowledge that not all men fit this pattern. Many step up emotionally, take full responsibility for their share of household tasks, and contribute equally to their family’s well-being. This post is aimed at understanding a common issue, not generalizing all men or relationships.
#EmotionalLabor #MentalLoad #GenderRoles #HealthyRelationships #PartnershipGoals #ModernMarriage #HouseholdEquality #BreakTheCycle #ToxicPatriarchy #RelationshipGrowth
About the author, Tehilla Nicole.
Licensed Mental Health Counselor (Registered Counselor, South Africa)
The Relationship Factor Coach
Ex play-therapist now global coach helping individuals and couples reclaim their happy in love, life and relationships.
Her focus is on healing the relationships with our past and our selves, build our emotional capacity, and give clients a multi-disciplinary psychology-based toolbox.
Mom, wife, writer, speaker, counselor and coach passionate about helping us heal from the past, rebuild our emotional capacity and self-trust, and thrive in life and love.
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